I like to say I am happy, but I’m not. Life breaks me down like my body breaks down carbohydrates. Every day, a new problem pops up like a pimple. It’s a never ending cycle of disappointment, but sometimes, the cycle breaks. I smile and the happiest soundtrack ever begins to play. The birds chirp along to the music, and I feel like nothing can stop me. That is until the cycle gets back on track. That’s okay though. I’m okay. Life gets me down, but it picks me back up.
I feel so behind. I feel like I have missed class for a few days except I missed a few years. I’m shoved in the corner while everyone else moves forward. It sucks. I’m losing my friends because they say I can’t grow up. It’s like they don’t understand or at least try. I know that I should have my license by now. I am almost 19. I just can’t. It’s terrifying to move forward, and I have never been more scared in my life. I am trying so hard to move forward, but I just feel trapped inside a box. Maybe I can find a way to get out, but if I don’t, I just wish someone would stay with me. No one will though because they say I am childish.
Have you ever
loved liked someone so much that you just can’t get over that person? You try so hard that it feels like you are getting somewhere, but then it’s like a reset button is pressed. It doesn’t help when that person wants to be your friend. You text them almost every day. Part of you loves those conversations, but the other part of you hates them because you know that person is planning a date. That date should be with you, but it isn’t. It is with the person that they like love. It also sucks when they aren’t planning a date. They might actually be fighting, and you have a glimmer of hope. Those everyday text messages will turn into face-to-face conversations. You will be fulfilled. That doesn’t happen though. The fight ends, and you’re back to square one: getting over them again.
Don’t stop running because it might catch up with you. It might attack and swallow you whole. You can’t go through that again. It’s too much pain, mentally and physically. It’ll release everything you have wanted to keep inside. Don’t let that out. Don’t let that happen. Just put one foot in front of the other and run through life like it is a marathon. Your hard work will pay off eventually.
Have you ever turned on your fan, turn on an upbeat song, and dance while sitting in your bed? I just did and I started crying. I am a mess, but there is something about it that is freeing. I never get a chance to do that anymore. I’m always busy. In fact, I had to do this in silence with my sleeping nephew beside me. Either way, do it because you won’t regret it. I felt like I was on top of the world. I wish I could be on top of the world right now. I am getting tired of finding loopholes, but this’ll have to do for now.
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I’m just a dood tryna figure myself out. I write about shows, movies, the LGBTQ+ community, Pop Culture, and my original fiction work!!